Game time. This is my official post-election stance:
During these tumultuous times it is important that we remember to practice self care. Therefore:
A) Lizzo is taking her show on the road and I’m going to go see her and offer to help her find her phone.
B) I’ve revised all of my post-showcase cover letters to agents to say:
“yo furreal i know i’m supposed to send you a fancy well written letter outlining my accomplishments and skills and i know im white as printer paper and shit but Trump just won so fuk it which 1 of u trying to get me on Good Girls Revolt?”
Because laughter and a depletion of all them fucks.
C) I started to go through Actors Access and make all the boring housewife or otherwise female breakdowns into CRAZY AMAZING HOUSEWIFE OR OTHERWISE FEMALE BREAKDOWNS.
For those of you who don’t know what a breakdown is: it’s basically a description of a character in a show, film, or other piece of media. Casting directors put these breakdowns on Websites like Actors Access and then actors say, “Hey, I can do that!” or their agents say, “Hey, I sure hope that they can do that!”
Often – too often – breakdowns for women suck. You can go on the website and see for yourself. They just suck. So, from time to time, I find that revamping the particularly gnarly breakdowns brings me the kind of peace and calm that could rival two hours hitting a big ass tree with boxing gloves.
Here are just some of the otherwise normal, boring, terrible breakdowns that I have taken upon myself to transform into possibilities of wondrous plenty for the hungry actress:
[ BRENDA ]
Devoted wife. 25. Pretty in a real way, loves cooking for her husband BUT SECRETLY WANTS TO CHANGE HER NAME TO OSIRIS FIRECLAW.
[ GARY’S MOM ]
Female. Caucasian. 25-50. Supporting. …. THE MOTHERFUCKING REVOLUTION. DEATH TO ALL WHO OPPOSE HER. GARY’S MOM SHOWS NO MERCY, MAY YOU DIE. DIE!
[ LIZ ]
Caucasian. 18 to play younger. Pretty but not glamorous. She has an Innocence to her that can’t be denied. Liz was a comrade of Brian’s during the period now known as the orange fury. Once a quiet teenager who counted Brian as her only friend, she is now a ruthless fucking bitch who rides Brian around the countryside like a horse. YAH, BOY, YAH!
[ GIRLFRIEND ]
18 to 25 years old, all ethnicities female. Middle american, plain jane hair, girl next door type. The bringer of the next black plague, but shhh! Don’t tell anyone. Rate $350/Day.
You got a good one? Tweeeeeet me or comment or something. Because Frandship!