How I ended up under a table at SXSW.

Alternate title: Let me tell you about the night I drank so much Redbull that I cried.

I woke up looking like this:

I did not drink enough, however, to override my body’s natural desire to be up by eight o’clock in the morning. I am writing this from the bathroom because I’m sharing a room with our producer and something tells me that the tap-tap-tapping of my typing would annoy her immensely.

 Let me preface this by saying that I am generally not one to get stupid drunk – and while I did not get stupid drunk last night, I did find myself skating the thin line that separates the “Where are the cheese steaks? Herp Derp” Jas from “Nick Swardson talking about drunk chicks” Jas.

I started the evening at maximum stoked level.
“I’m at SXSW!” I thought, “and I’m RSVP’d to everything! There’s nothing that can stop me!”

I felt like THIS.

Then I walked to downtown Austin and walked up to the first event on my agenda.
“Hi!” I said, waving. The door guy looked at me oddly.
“Badge?” he asked.
 “I RSVP’d,” I replied, showing him the ticket on my phone. He gave me the kind of smile that one gives a puppy when they are done training it, but the puppy still lingers in the phase of expecting treats when it does what it’s supposed to. The only difference is that I am not a puppy; I am a grown ass person.
“Sorry,” he said, “But we’re only taking badge holders right now.”
“Ok, no problem!” I replied, still smiling.
I went to the next event.
“Hi!” I said, waving. This time, the door man didn’t even bother responding. He glanced chestward, saw there was no lanyard, and simply shook his head.

It was that moment when I became very aware of how much I would grow to hate the word ‘badge’ before I left Austin. Badge rhymes with Madge and Madge is the name of this bitchy girl I used to know and badges here are bitches. I made one more unsuccessful attempt to get into an event before I gave up and started wandering around downtown Austin.

Fortunately, blog friend Zach Davis of texted me and told me to come to an event he was hosting with Tech Cocktail. As expected, Zach was just as super nice of a person in real life as he was on the inter-butts. I love meeting blog friends in real life. It makes me feel slightly better about staying with one when I move out to LA in April.

The Tech Cocktail party was so much fun. I met a guy from Russia and the only English he knew was the pitch he had memorized for his business. I took video with a man in a sumo-wresting outfit to promote his hotel-booking website. I even went to the open bar and said,
“I would like a sugar free Redbull and vodka, please!”

I felt like THIS.

Then I ordered another one. I drank half of it, but someone bumped into me and it went all over my shirt. I ordered one more, thinking it would be no big deal. Everything went swimmingly for a little while. Then I started talking about my stand-up material with Zach. I began to prepare to tell  the story that will make me famous for all of the wrong reasons in all of the right ways. Long time readers of SBAP may remember this story because it won a prize on Awkward Sex in the City last year. I can’t post it here. I still feel as though I have to interview people to see if their loved ones will kill them if I tell them the story in person.

Luckily, I never got around to telling the story. People were pulled away for various reasons and I got a text telling me that I needed to be at the party that Magnolia Pictures was throwing for us.
I then realized that I was an hour late to the party for the movie I was in. 

I then realized that I was drunk and super jacked up on Redbull. How on earth did I drink that much Redbull?
Oh, wait.

I make it to the Magnolia party and find that there is karaoke. Readers of SBAP may or may not know this, but karaoke should be remand “Jas Crack.”
I immediately signed up.
I waited. Two songs went by. Then the emcee came over to me and said,
“I’m sorry. No go.”
There are no words to describe the tidal wave of emotions that I felt at that very second. I knew that I was overreacting the second that I realized that I was tearing up because someone told me I couldn’t do karaoke. At that very second, I happened to glance at the bar and see the bartender pour a full serving (1 can) of Redbull into a cup and spritz it with liquor. Then it dawned on me.
“… They have been using the whole can this entire time?!” I thought. I drunkenly did the math. Three drinks. Three entire cans of sugar free Redbull.

I looked downward and realized that I was holding another drink.
“Where did this come from?” I thought. I looked to the bar.
“Oh,” I thought. I immediately scanned a place to abandon it.

My phone buzzed. People wanting to know where I was and what I was up to. Zach saying that he got punched by a wall. Nugs telling me about the remote control flying shark.

Suddenly, I decided that I would leave the Magnolia Party. I stepped onto the street and the wave of noise disappeared.

I suddenly felt very, very drunk.

I felt like THIS.

I began to walk in one direction. It felt like the wrong direction. I began to walk in the other direction, but that felt like the wrong direction, too. I pulled out my phone to see if I could get in touch with anyone or pull up the GPS app.

It was dead. Suddenly I felt very, very lost.

I felt like THIS.

I walked around the block a few times before the guy who sold Beer Brats on the corner looked at me funny and said,
“Miss, you do know you’re walking in circles, right?”
 When the hot dog man tells you that you are lost, it’s time to get serious.

I managed to relocate the Magnolia party and convince the door man to let me back in. I proceeded to walk all over the party and ask people if they had brought an iPhone charger. Four attempts later, I got a “yes” and a motion to a power cord that rested under a giant table.

I crawled under the table, plugged in my iPhone, and stayed there. I stayed under the table for a number of reasons:
I was clearly drunk.
I was clearly riding the redbull train.
I was aware that the aforementioned combination equaled ass-showing potential and, clearly, I did not need to be around people in such a frenzied state.
I was clearly amused at the idea of being the girl sitting under the table at SXSW.

The most driving reason I stayed under the table?
I have an iPhone 4s and like hell if I’m leaving that thing alone for one second. 

I’ve got all the love for people and enthusiasm for mingling in the world. But when it comes to my gadgets? I have no shame – and I have no regrets.

9 comments… add one
  • Q March 11, 2012, 6:56 pm

    My last post on being hysterically drunk ( is similar, but I wasn’t in an unfamiliar city, at least. I’m surprised you can remember it. And I’m impressed at your courage to post a (partial) picture of yourself the morning after. Bravo, my friend. Bravo.

  • BlackLOG March 12, 2012, 2:32 am

    This is an excellent reminder as to why I gave up drinking before I was actually legally allowed to drink….

    I’m also fortunate enough to be able to get drunk on the atmosphere. A fantastic state that lets you lose all your inhibitions* while you are out but still be able to drive home afterwards – despite protests from people who don’t know me that I’m in no fit state to drive… (Hmmm, on reflection perhaps they have seen me drive before and are not actually making a stand against drunk driving but my driving…)

    * I wonder how many people attend their first performance of ‘The rocky Horror show’ dressed as ‘Dr Frank n Furter’, when they are stone code sober…. I’ve always found it a bit disturbing that my post on the evening has had over 4,000 hits and is still consistently one of the most hit each month….

    Atmosphere over alcohol number of advantages :-

    – It is a hell of a lot cheaper….

    – Never ends in making your own pavement pizza….

    -You never get a hangover…..

    – You don’t ruin your marriage by attempting to have inappropriate public relations with other people, objects or yourself….

    It has only failed me once –

    I was cavorting around a handbag** on a dance floor, doing my best Madonna impression …when my brain woke up and declared

    “What the F*ck are you doing…..”

    I had a momentary panic attack before realising I was having fun and who cares what anyone else thinks….

    ** no not mine – Frank n Furter was a good night out, not the start of a new direction for my life.

  • Erin likes it hot. March 12, 2012, 4:11 am

    Things always get way out of hand when I go for the redbull/vodka combo, never fails.

  • Cassie @ March 12, 2012, 6:59 am

    Yeah – hot dog man was a good indicator that things were heading south.

    But, um, why weren’t you allowed to do karaoke? If I had been drunk enough, I probably would’ve thrown a fit. No one gets in between Cassie and her karaoke.

  • JUST ME March 12, 2012, 8:29 am

    Vodka and Redbull always makes me feel like I can do parkour, or like, cage fight.

    I can’t do these things. Not even a little bit. So I stay away from V&RB.

  • Lorraine March 13, 2012, 12:00 pm

    I just read red bull and vodka and I got a little gaggy. The good news is that you didn’t get lost! Woo!

  • Ginny March 13, 2012, 5:57 pm

    I would be a little freaked out realizing I’m drunk in a city that I don’t know well and my phone is dead and/or dying. I think you handled it well!

    The red bull and I? We don’t tango.

  • That Ain't Kosher March 15, 2012, 4:36 pm

    Our drunk texting made my Saturday night just a little bit more awesome.


    Also also? Our epic hungover Sunday morning Skype chat.

    So many sharks to come.

  • Fizzgig March 16, 2012, 3:52 pm

    oh no! lol this is hilarious if it isn’t you! vodka and redbull is the original four lokos…and we all know (or may not…) how that went over!!


Leave a Comment

Design by: