This is my significant other, D. He has obsessive compulsive disorder of Howard Hughes like proportions and believes in Jesus.
I’m Jas. I go through periods where everything is horrible and I’m not really religious but I appreciate the fact that D acknowledges things like the fact that kids are dying trying to get out of Syria or that a giant chunk of the world’s population has no access to clean water doesn’t really add up to the more traditional interpretation of God.
We share a tiny, tiny living space with my cat, Taxi. Taxi is a miniature siamese mountain panther. He walks like a predator and sleeps like boss.
The love we all have for one another is compounded when someone (usually me) says something that reinforces the very likely reality that, were we paired with anyone else, massive chaos and unhappiness would ensue. The following is a collection of not only those statements, but the statements that I know are coming:
“BAND OF BROTHERS IS NOT A BACKGROUND NOISE SHOW.”
“I’m not watching another movie with you because we literally just watched one in the theater and that much sitting during the day makes me feel bad about all the things I’m NOT doing and – no, I’m not crying, stop it!”
“30 ROCK IS ALSO NOT A BACKGROUND NOISE SHOW BECAUSE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO IT.”
“30 Rock is not a “falling asleep” show because IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO IT.”
“If you grow a mustache then so will I, and we both know I can’t grow a mustache on my face.”
“When I say, ‘put on some music,’ I do not mean, “play the latest Scriptnotes.”
“I will grant you sexual privileges if you ___ for me.”
A. Feed Taxi after I realized that I have gone to bed without feeding him. I would do it, but I’m sleeping.
B. Shake Taxi’s food bowl at 6:00AM because he ate until he saw the bottom of the bowl and decided to run around the apartment and knock shit over until someone shakes the bowl to prove that it’s not empty. I would do it, but I’m sleeping.
C. Inspect the closet after Taxi bursts from it with a puffy tail. I would do it, but I’m 97% certain that Taxi can see ghosts and I don’t want to be near a ghost.
“I need you to play Billy Joel’s Moving Out again so I can make it look like Taxi is in a Billy Joel music video.”
“Ham is a weird meat because it’s the only meat at the center of least 3 episodes of major medical dramas where someone’s brain problem turns out to be a tapeworm they got from eating ham. So basically, ham has the ability to will tapeworms into existence because it’s too much of a stretch for me to believe that these characters would take the ham out and leave it on a potential tapeworm palace long enough for tapeworms to fuck and lay eggs in it and then put it back in their fridge and eat it 3 weeks later. So basically, ham is magic and can create life. It just sucks that the life forged from the magic of ham is a brain hungry tapeworm. Oh, you aren’t hungry anymore? Bet you want salad now, don’t you?”
“I’m pretty sure that the illustrator for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark just stared at a plate of overcooked pulled pork until he hallucinated the tendrils and fly pieces of meat taking on dark, nefarious, and demonic forms which he then sketched and submitted to his publisher.”
It’s true. If you stare at this long enough:
You eventually see this:
“HELP ME. It has been an hour and at first I didn’t move because Taxi was on my lap and I didn’t want to disturb him but then I started watching this clip of Angie saying Ham! on 30 Rock and I’M STILL NOT TIRED OF WATCHING IT.”
Weird affection looks good on us.